Self Doubts As A Roller Derby Newb
Newb. I hate that word. Hearing it always puts into my mind that I still suck. That I have a lot to learn. And I do. I do suck. I do have a lot to learn. But, that designation as a newb puts those thoughts into others and makes me feel like crap. We’ve been training for about a month and I can see all of the rookies start to have self doubts. Our first bout is in 19 days and about half of the rookies probably won’t make the roster. (Myself included.) Sometimes, we can’t keep up with the pace line. Sometimes, we can’t do a certain skill. Sometimes, we have a really bad jam during scrimmage and the other team racks up 15 points to our 0.
It’s hard to tell yourself that it’s okay. You’ve only been doing this for a few months while these All-Stars have been doing it for years. It just happens sometimes. Sometimes, you just have a bad day. And those All-Stars? They have bad days sometimes too. Sure, they look like they got it all down, but they may not feel that they do.
A team-mate summed it up best when we were lamenting to each other that we all felt horrible about our derby careers: the instant gratification of getting down the basic skills is over. These new skills take time to master. An All-Star player told us yesterday that she couldn’t get the turn-stop down until mid-season last year. And now? Now she looks like a pro.
So, while these self doubts keep creeping back every time I take a hard hit and fall, every time I fail to do a proper turn-stop, or every time I get stuck in the pack as a jammer, I have to remind myself of where I was just a few months ago. I have gotten faster. I can now not only do the t-stop, but the plow stop as well. I can do the turn-stop if I just slow down and do it. I have gotten better at cutting (my wheels now make that nice ‘squeaking’ noise when I turn them quickly). I have gotten better at hitting. And most importantly, I have gotten over my fear of scrimmaging with the All-Stars (those girls can hit!).
“To my ladies on the B-teams and new skaters, you keep your chin up and have some pride. If you’re on the B-team- you’re A-team must be pretty bad ass. If you’re brand new just know- it gets better. But I get it, sometimes it makes you feel inferior. You forget that this league is YOUR league too. You forget that you have the potential to be the best damn skater in the country. If you will it dude, it is no dream. … the future is bright and it’s full of derby. So show some love to the ones coming up.” (Every Bunny Loves Derby)
So, my goal for today and the rest of the week is to TRY to believe in myself. They wouldn’t have put me on the team if they didn’t think I had what it takes to be a derby girl. I WILL get the hang of it. I WILL get better. And one day, I WILL be an All-Star.
AKA- The day I learned how to whip!